The 7 Biggest Douchebags of Video Games

7. Mario

Super Mario Bros., Mario Kart, Super Mario RPG, etc. (every Nintendo console ever made)

Yup. You heard right. Though he is the beloved mascot of Nintendo and the most recognizable video game character of all time, there is no doubt that Mario is, in fact, a giant douchebag.

Far be it for me to judge others on their recreational activities, but Mario eats so many Magic ’shrooms, it’s a wonder his brain hasn’t exploded into bits by now.

He also somehow allows his Princess Peach to get kidnapped by a giant dinosaur-thing not once, but multiple times, probably because he’s all hopped up on drugs.

Last Spotted: Snorting lines with Pac-Man while stomping small turtles and cute mushroom-shaped animals.

 

6. Guitar Hero/Dance Dance Revolution Players

Guitar Hero series, Dance Dance Revolution series, and the upcoming game Rock Band (PS2/PS3, xbox/xbox360)

Although I am an avid Guitar Hero player myself, I must admit that flailing about with a plastic guitar to cover versions of rock songs epitomizes douchebaggery.

Alas, such games are addicting and fun, and thusly we accept our fates as the douchebags of the video game world. Encore! Encore!

Proof of Prickery: Do a YouTube search for “Dance Dance Revolution” or “Guitar Hero” and you can see that the proof is in the pudding. Douchebag pudding, that is.

 

5. Kefka

Final Fantasy III (Super Nintendo)

Kefka, the final boss from Final Fantasy III (FF6 in Japan), is the fan-favorite amongst classic RPG gamers everywhere.

Over the course of the game, we witness him poisoning an entire castle, kidnapping a baby Terra for his own diabolical uses, and murdering untold amounts of Espers to steal vast amounts of magic powers. He’s awesomely evil, insanely mad, and the most lovable douchebag on this list.

Best Moment: He actually destroys the world. Not even President Bush has achieved that level of mad-doggity yet.

 

4. The dudes from the Grand Theft Auto series

Grand Theft Auto 1/2/3, GTA: Vice City, GTA: San Andreas, GTA: Liberty City Stories, upcoming Grand Theft Auto 4 for (PS2/PS3, xbox/xbox360, PSP)

In Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas it was Carl “CJ” Johnson. In Vice City, the protagonist’s name was Tommy Vercetti. In the latest iteration of this series, GTA: Liberty City Stories, the player took the role of Toni Cipriani.

Whatever their names are, they all share two common characteristics: One, they’re all criminals. Two, they’re all giant douchebags.

Murdering at whim, causing city-wide mayhem, destroying property, and of course, grand theft auto — these are just normal day-to-day activities for these gentlemen, as evident by the numerous lawsuits and protests levied against this great video game franchise.

Concerned parents and legislators agree with Cranky Rabbit: the “heroes” from the Grand Theft Auto series are douchebags.

GTA: San Andreas gameplay I showed my wife: I steal a car, pick up a hooker and have sex with her in a dark alley. I then kill said hooker and get my money back. She wasn’t very amused, but I laughed.

 

3. The Monopoly Guy

Monopoly (Living Rooms and retirement centers across the world)

Okay, obviously, board games are not video games, but technically Monopoly’s been published on gaming consoles and for PCs.

Anyways, the Monopoly Guy is a douchebag. He represents everything wrong with corporate America today; face it, the Monopoly Guy is the board game equivalent of a Southern slave-owner.

Not only does this hedonistic scum celebrate anti-competitive, economy-stifling tactics with which to wipe out the opposing players, he has the gall to assign each of us lowly players demeaning tokens such as an old crusty boot or a rusted-out wheelbarrow.

I am not your garbage nor am I your tool, you douchebag.

Redeeming Quality: He did get me out of jail for free that one time.

 

2. The Sims

The Sims series (Every platform ever made, probably)

For those of us that have played a title in the popular Maxis series The Sims (with or without one of the 1,000 expansion packs), we know that when every aspect of a Sim’s life is controlled, they become functioning, contributing members of Sim society. They work a steady job, take care of their children, have an organized and kept household, and pleasantly develop their social skills with community members.

However, if left unchecked, Sims wreak havoc; houses burn down, babies are left unchanged and unfed, toilets overflow, garbage is strewn everywhere.

Sims are soulless douchebags. Their internal AI leaves no room for a sense of right and wrong, and thus they are willing to cross the boundaries of acceptable social behavior with no regards to the consequences.

You never know what can happen. Step away from your computer for a refreshment or a bathroom break, and when you come back, you find that your Sim has already cheated on his wife, burned the kitchen down, clogged the toilet, and raped the family dog.

The Sims as a Self-Improvement Tool: After spending hours building a giant house with a harem of beautiful, bisexual women, I suddenly realize how empty and pathetic my life is.

 

1. YOU.

Yes, you. If you’re a gamer, you’ve shot an innocent chicken, murdered some hapless bystander, and looted some townsperson’s house or any of a million other dastardly deeds. Admit it; the first time you really had fun playing SimCity was when you discovered that you call upon tornadoes and earthquakes to terrorize your tiny sim-citizens. Am I right?

There?s something about gaming that allows us to escape into moral ambiguity; to cast off the social rules of the real world and become abhorrent evil-doers. The sweetest, gentlest child will laugh in manic abandon at the local arcade?s Whack-A-Mole game, smashing in the small woodland creatures? heads with no afterthought.

In Closing: Games are a wonderful thing ? they unite us; regardless of color, age, or skill level. You, me, them? we are all douchebags.